Worries

I never realized how much worry you could have for someone you've never met.

We've had a rollercoaster of a month. On December 10th, during a normal OB visit to our midwife, she thought she felt my cervix opening. She put me on bedrest and scheduled me for an internal ultrasound to look at my cervix. We went home thinking we were going to lose our precious girl at only 21 weeks. We laid in bed and cried all night. Our whole world had come crashing down.

The next morning, we went to the high risk center at our hospital, where I got both an external and an internal ultrasound. The technician measured our girl and my amniotic fluid, which were both perfect. She then checked my cervix...and actually used the word "gorgeous" tot describe it. Dan and I thought that was pretty funny, after we were finished hugging her and crying with joy! She said everything was fine, and she wasn't sure what our midwife thought she felt.

Hmmm....so this, while joyful and glorious news, put us into a semi-permanent state of disbelieving everything that medical personnel tells us. We were very irritated with our midwife, and I questioned her about why she thought my cervix was open. It turns out that my cervix, like the rest of me, is a little quirky, and it actually is open at the bottom, which is highly unusual for someone who's never given birth before. Of course, it doesn't necessarily indicate a problem, and obviously, everything else is fine.

I am having another ultrasound on January 4th to make sure nothing has changed. I think I'll feel better after we have that. I have been taking it really easy, and trying to not stress myself.

Then, after weeks of major activity from the girl, she slowed down a lot a couple days ago. I barely felt her moving for a whole day, after weeks of being kicked to death at regular intervals. Of course, with my nerves already raw from the cervix thing...I spent an hour yesterday morning crying my eyes out and apologizing to D for being crazy, and trying to decide if we should go to the emergency room. Finally, it was decided I would go to work, call the midwife, and if she thought we should go in to the hospital to get checked, then we would. I called her, and she assured me that everything was ok, and at this stage of the pregnancy, it's normal to feel a lot of movement one day and none the next. My girl is small enough that she has plenty of room in there to change position and be somewhere where I can't feel her.

I still spent yesterday worrying and waiting to feel her again...which I did eventually, the little stinker. We also finally got the fetal doppler I have been waiting for, and last night, we heard her perfect 146 bpm heartbeat. That was music to my ears. I laid on the sofa for a good twenty minutes, following her around with the doppler and listening to her gorgeous heart beating in there. Very reassuring.

I am still shocked by how much I love someone I have never met. How the feel of her moving in my stomach fills my heart. How the sight of her ultrasound pictures makes me so proud of my little girl. She's already the most important person in my life, and she weighs less than two pounds!

Anyway, Happy Holidays! D and I already have the best gift we could ever get - a healthy little girl. We can't open our gift until April...but I am happy to wait. : )