The Beginning

So, blogging is something I never thought I would do. I am much more of a pen and journal kind of girl, but lately, being so tired and everything, somehow this seems easier. Also, I have to admit that the idea of keeping a public record of this whole process of being pregnant for the first time, and becoming a Mama...it's a neat keepsake.

So, the backstory. My husband and I just got married in February. We honeymooned in the UK, came home to start our married life, and on August 14th, we found out we were unexpectedly pregnant. Now, I love children and I have been a nanny for almost 5 years, putting myself through school, so I have wanted kids for a while. But we were pretty shocked.

I immediately started freaking out about health care (we had none), and what I could eat, and how I was feeling...cause I'm like that. I'm pretty much a hypochondriac. D. started freaking out about money and work, and what we were going to do about $$ once Baby was born. So, we were both freaking out and feeling very stressed, and then I started feeling like complete s**t. Indigestion, heartburn, nausea, migraines, weakness, fatigue...every first trimester syptom in the books, I've had it. My life (and D's) went from 60 to 0 in about one week.

Pretty tough stuff, at that point. We were worried, depressed, lonely, and I had to carry a red plastic bucket with me around the house, in case I puked. Then the SMELLS started. At first, just coffee and cigarettes made me want to barf. Then, my poor wonderful dog who I adore - I couldn't get within 5 feet of him for at least a month. Everything stank. And I mean STANK. I could barely stand the smell of my own house, of my own car, of my own pee.

Meanwhile, we were desperately searching for health care. I was so sure that there was something terribly wrong with Baby, cause that's how I do, and we desperately wanted to get to an OB...but when you don't have healthcare in this stinkin' country, you're pretty much up the creek. Finally, after a hundred phone calls, two failed appoinments, and the idea of delivering the baby in the living room suddenly seeming like the only available option, we found a great practice that accepts people with no insurance and doesn't charge us an arm and a leg. Our nurse-midwife there is fantastic, and she's a great calming force for our craziness.

The first appointment was amazing for us, as we got to hear Baby's heart beating. That was an incredible moment. D., who had been much more practical and much less emotional, even teared up. Hearing that little heart chugging away was reassuring, exhilarating, and terrifying. Now I was even more worried. Now, I really knew there was a baby in there, and I needed to protect him against anything and everything. Everything was suddenly my enemy! My cat kneading my stomach, the man with the pointy umbrella in front of me on the sidewalk, the strange smells at the hospital where I work part-time, picking up the boys I nanny for...all these things were threats to Baby and had to be neutralized.

The last few weeks have been slightly better, as we finally have health care in place, my 1st tri. symptoms are subsiding, and we've actually been able to go OUT on the weekends. I finally made it to the Maryland Renaissance Festival, to which I usually go many times a season, and we got to go out and get pumpkins and apples at a local market, so that was fun. I think things are starting to relax a bit.

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Appointment number 2. The reality of actually having a baby is setting in. After all these years of nannying, I figured I would be totally prepared and totally calm...but I definitely am not.

I guess alot of it is that this is MY child. Yes, I know a lot about how to care for kids (generic), but I haven't ever raised any of my charges the way I want this, MY, child raised. I am finding I have opinions about things like circumcision and immunizations - things I have never had to think about for someone ELSES's child.

But, the joy of Baby is setting in, now that I am nearing the time when I can worry less about miscarriage. I think the second tri will be good to me.